Listening to a little TOOL this morning and came across one of my favorite tracks. Pushit (Live) from the Salival album. It’s still not up on Spotify sadly I did find a YouTube upload to share. You can find it here.

It is such a different song from the original that it really becomes its own entity. I remember jamming out to it for hours at a time, feeling deep the lyrics and remembering. I’ve often joked that NIN was the soundtrack of my life, each album spoke to me at the right time in life in different ways, but TOOL you could say was the soundtrack for my soul. Each album growing up spoke to me in so many different ways it is hard to say just how much influence it had on me.

So I sit here today listening again with a very different perspective. My youth I was angsty and full of pain and rage. Today I am much more centered and more at peace with my life. But that one lyric still speaks to me like no other, There is no love in fear.

Given the context of the song it is harsh and a triumphant moment for the subject, breaking through abuse and lashing out at their tormentor. But taken out of context it is a very powerful message. You can’t love what you fear, or even love when afraid. It is antithetical to the emotions to be able to do both at once. One overcomes the other in time, be it love or fear, and it comes in waves. Much like the Tao.

Living most of my young adult days I was full of fear. Fear of the known and unknown alike, all while attempting to love those around me. Needless to say I failed and hard. One might say it was the follies of youth, but I think I had a lot of pain to heal before I could move past the fear into a situation where I could love.

Of course I find myself there now, loving with little fear to speak of. It’s a weird feeling but it feels right. Now listening to this song it’s a different feeling, one of triumph over fear and a reminder of just how far I’ve come.